futuramafandomcom-20200222-history
A Clockwork Origin/Transcript
Credits: This time, it's personal. :['''Scene': Planet Express, Meeting Room. The crew are sitting at the table.]'' Hermes: Item one... Duck! duck just in time, but Bender is clipped by [[Cubert] on a party board.] Prof. Farnsworth: Cubert, you crapscallion! What aren't you in school? Cubert: I couldn't get past the protesters. A bunch of smiling, angry people were handing out these flyers. :shows the Professor one. It shows a woman spanking a man wearing a dunce cap that says " ". It reads "Teach truth, not evolution. Also bring back spanking". Farnsworth: gasps. is under attack in our schools? To the science mobile. Leela: You mean the ship? Farnsworth: Yes. The science mobile! Leela: It's just that you've never called it that before, but okay. :['''Scene': Wozniak Nerd Academy. The ship passes a sign that says "Go Flinchers!". It lands.]'' Woman: I don't understand evolution, and I have to protect my kids from understanding it! We will not give in to the thinkers! :crowd listening cheers Farnsworth: to the podium. You people are as loud as you are ignorant. Now, get back on your trucks and go home! :crowd boos. Hydroponic farmer: in front of a turnip truck. That is an insultingly accurate stereotype, sir! Farnsworth: As a professor of science, I assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey-men. Dr. Banjo: I cannot speak for you, sir, but my ancestors were not monkeys. They were . Hard-working, patriotic orangutans. :orangutan walks up from the crowd. He is wearing a suit and glasses. Farnsworth: Dr. Banjo? Dr. Banjo: In the fur. And I remind you that evolution is merely a . Like , or the shape of the Earth. :crowd cheers again. Flying Spaghetti Monster: Hey, Professor, I'm a Flying Spaghetti Monster. You seriously believe I've descended from some kind of flightless ? Farnsworth: Yes! Banjo: Oh, please. A far more logical explanation is the undisprovable science of . All life was created in its present form seven thousand years ago, by a fantastical creature from outer space! Farnsworth: Bunk! Banjo: Oh! shows a [[hologram] of a man and a , with a backwards running through an arrow.] If you elitist, East Coast evolution is real, why has no one found the missing link between modern humans and ancient ? Farnsworth: We did find it! arrow is replaced by . It's called Homo erectus! Banjo: Then you have proven my case, sir, for no one has found a link between apes and this Homo erectus. [The arrow is put between before ''Homo erectus.] Farnsworth: Yes, they have! hologram fills in again. It's called ! Banjo: Ah-ha! But no one has found the missing link between ape and this so called Homo habilis. Farnsworth: Yes, they have! hologram fills in. It's called ! Banjo: Oh-ho! I've got you now! Lapse. The hologram now shows 19 different species of ape. Only [[Fry] and Leela are still there.] Fair enough, but where, then, is the missing link between apes and this ? Answer me that, Professor! '''Farnsworth': Okay, granted, that one missing link is still missing, but just because we haven't found it doesn't mean it doesn't exist! Banjo: scoffs. Things don't exist simply because you believe in them. Thus sayeth the Almighty Creature in the Sky! :['''Scene': Olduvai Gorge. A sign reads "Welcome to Olduvai Gorge. Birthplace of (and the rest of mankind). The crew are excavating.]'' Farnsworth: I'll show that -swilling, poop-slinger! We just need to find that last missing link. Leela: I found a'' missing link. It seems to be half-man, half-toucan. ''shows a human shaped skull with a large beak. Farnsworth: Not what we're looking for. Throw it in the soup! throws it in a pot. Hermes: And here's something. holds up a fossilized dog Uh-oh. It's another one of Fry's dogs. Fry: Did you find something, Hermes? Hermes: the fossil behind his back. No. dog lands in the soup. Amy: I hate chiseling right after a manicure. Oh! Darn it! I broke off one of my fingers! Zoidberg: and Cubert are standing near the fossil of a long-necked reptile. Look, Cubert. The neck on this one. I bet he spent a fortune on ties! looks at him, deadpan. What, too soon? Cubert: I highly doubt a has access to neckwear. Zoidberg: I knew I should have gone with the ring-around-the-collar joke. Bender: Hey, look! I found a robot fossil! picks up a spring. Farnsworth: That's a bedspring, you dumb bedspring! There are no robot fossils! Bender: What? Who says I didn't evolve? Farnsworth: Everybody! Robots were created quite recently. It was in all the papers. Bender: Then explain this! turns around and works on something. He turns around and shows the Professor. He has put eyes on the spring and mounted it on a plaque that says "I hate Mondays". :Lapse. Farnsworth: I've hit a rich vein of missing links. , , Manfred Mann. throws out the skulls as he names them. Eureka! is holding a skull. It's the elusive missing missing link! This will show Banjo, once and for all! :crew cheers from nearby, where they are eating their soup. Fry: scoops up some soup. Amy's finger is in the spoon. What the... Amy: Oh, that's mine. takes it back. :['''Scene': NNY. Museum of Natural History. A banner reads "World Bone Premiere".]'' Bender: walks up to the Professor, wearing an under-sized . Hmm, my tux doesn't fit. Probably because I've grown so much since I last wore it, or evolved, one might say. Farnsworth: One might not say that! Your tux doesn't fit because you stole it from a boy! Bender: You mean a man! It was his . Ben Beeler: Welcome, museum members. Or, as I like to call you, future exhibits. crowd chuckles weakly. Zoidberg: Cubert. He's good. Beeler: Tonight, we have a new resident here in the hall of , generously donated by its discoverer, Hubert Farnsworth. Ladies and gentlemen, Homo farnsworth. curtain rises, revealing the skull and an artist's recreation of the hominid. Farnsworth: Once again, science saves the day. The end. Beeler: And now, to discuss the scientific implications of this discovery, our new museum curator, Dr. Banjo! :[The Professor does a His land ''in a painting of a ]. '''Banjo': Thank you Professor Farnsworth, for your generous gift, which has, once and for all dis-proven evolution. [He pulls a cord and a painting of ''Homo farnsworth riding a dinosaur is revealed.]'' Behold! Homo farnsworth frolicking with dinosaurs at the moment of creation. Farnsworth: I don't want to live on this planet anymore. :['''Scene': Outside Planet Express. The ship blasts off.]'' :['''Scene': Deep Space.]'' Farnsworth: Faster! Faster! Just drop me off at that over there. :['''Scene': Robo-Planetoid.]'' Leela: Wow, this planetoid is completely lifeless. Farnsworth: Not lifeless enough! Set up my shack so that I can kick you out of it! :sets down a container labeled "Blow Shack" and pulls the cord. The shack pops up and sends Hermes flying. Fry: at a polluted pond. Professor, is this your only water source? It looks like . Farnsworth: It's not that bad. It's just laden with toxic minerals. But not for long. rattles a tube. Fry: What's in the tube? Farnsworth: Microscopic Nanobots. empties the tube. The robots quickly start cleaning the water. They're tiny robots I designed to eat up nasty irritants. Fry: Speaking of nasty irritants, what's going to become of Cubert? Farnsworth: Who? Oh, my son. Don't worry, he's been safely abandoned with his godfather. :['''Scene': Planet Express. Cubert and Dr. Zoidberg are sitting at a table.]'' Zoidberg: Cubert, I felt we needed some father-son bonding time, so I found a couple of baseball gloves and boiled them up for lunch. Cubert: Why don't you just go to Hell! Zoidberg: Wait! We still have to discuss the facts of life. What are they? :['''Scene': Robo-Planetoid.]'' Hermes: walks out of the Professor's shack. Okay, I finished moving the last . Now can we have our pizza? Farnsworth: You'll get your damned pizza, you parasite! First, let see if my Nanobots have purified the water yet. pours some water from an on to a slide and examines it. Ah, the water's as as my milkman-trusting father. But what's this? The Nanobots have gotten more complex. Bender: What's that you say? Those robots have evolved all by themselves, you say? Farnsworth: It wasn't by themselves! I put them there. I'm a genius. Get over it! Amy: Hey look, now they gotten bigger. robots are coming onshore. Farnsworth: Good heavens! Trilobots! :Trilobots cannibalize the ship while the crew look on in shock. Leela: Oh, no! My sunglasses were in there! :lapse. The Trilobots attack the crew. Hermes: Let's get the pizza out of here. runs off with the pizza. The crew follows. The Trilobots cannibalize everything, including the Professor's shack and the pianos inside. Amy: Look, there's a cave-like hole in that mountain. It might be a cave. crew runs into the cave and blocks the door with a boulder. Leela: Does anyone have a lighter? Bender: Hang on. opens a beer and drinks. He burps and adjusts the flame. Leela: Okay, we've got shelter and just enough precious food to ward off starvation. Hermes: It's pizza time. passes boxes to the rest of the crew. Amy: ? Hermes: So much for that. all throw away the pizza. :['''Scene': Planet Express. Cubert's room.]'' Zoidberg: Hello, I remembered you like superheroes so I painted you a mural on your wall. points to a crude drawing of himself and Cubert in costume. This is Father-Man. He fights crime to earn Son-Boy's respect. Is it working? Cubert: This is sucky! You suck! Who taught you to do ? I could make a better mural with my butt! Zoidberg: Sadly. Father-Man away. scuttles off. Cubert looks ashamed. :['''Scene': Robo-Planetoid. The crew is waking up.]'' Hermes: Nothing like a cave for a good night's sleep. So what do we have to eat that's not poisoned with pineapple? Farnsworth: I packed plenty of food, but it's all in dehydrated pill form. holds up a bottle that says "Steak Dinner 40 mg. Fixin's 10 mg". Leela: Then we need water from that pond. We'll have to fight our way past the Trilobots. moves the boulder. Go! Go! Hit anything that moves! :crew rushes out, -chopping the non-existent enemies. They all fall into a pile. They get up and take in their surroundings. Fry: Whoa. Bender: Wow. Amy: A whole forest grew overnight. Farnsworth: knocks on a tree. It is metal and hollow. All these trees are robotic. I can't believe how quickly they sprung up. Bender: I can. Robots do everything faster. Including evolving and believing how quickly things spring up. Leela: gets water from the pond and re-hydrates the pill. It turns into a steak. One thing about Bristol-Myers Squibb, they know how to cook a steak. takes a bite. Fry: the pond, using a robotic leaf as a boat. Look at me, I'm the . I own a yacht an everyone poops on me. is attacked by a robotic . Help! Police! Leela: Everybody grab a club. rest of the crew starts hitting the robot. Fry: robot throws opens its mouth and Fry hits the ground, several feet away. Oh, big, tough water guy, why don't you come up here on land and... robotic grabs him in its jaws. Amy: Look out for the next thing! :robotic rams the T-Rex. The T-Rex robot falls into the water and the Triceratops turns on the crew. Farnsworth: Great Scott, a Tricycle-tops! :two robot dinosaurs in the pond attack each other. Fry: Woo-hoo! Throw down dinosaurs of the land and sea. crows and Fry screams. A robot carries him off. This is a cool way to die! :['''Scene': Outside Planet Express.]'' Cubert: Dr. Zoidberg? I'm sorry for treating you like a total Zoidberg... I mean, loser. comes out of his dumpster. Zoidberg: Go on. Cubert: It's just that I get bullied a lot. I guess I kinda make fun of people as a defense mechanism. Brett Blob: Hey, Cubert, is that your family mansion? laughs. Cubert: Why don't you ask your mom? She's coming over for a sex visit. :insides start boiling and he pushes himself through a fence, coming towards Cubert. Cubert sees this and backs away, whimpering. Zoidberg: Don't worry, I know just how to handle bullies. Just pretend like you're pathetic. Help, I'm scared. I wet myself. I'm crying like a baby and I'm soaking in pee, but what else is new? bursts into tears. Brett: laughs. The pee-babies peed themselves. I'm off to pottery class, dorkwads. Zoidberg: And that's that. Cubert: Woah! You're like some kind of dumpster . Zoidberg: So, you wanna come in maybe? opens the other lid. I've got a nice with a footprint on it. :['''Scene': Robo-Planetoid. Fry is being taken to the robot Pterosaur's nest.]'' Fry: to avoid the babies Pterosaurs. Ah! Don't eat my butt! :others are crawling in the brush, trying to get to Fry. Leela: If this is anything like killing that on my balcony, we've got our work cut out for us. :robot T-rex and another dinosaur attack them. Fry is still trying not to be eaten. The sun flares. Farnsworth: Look out, a ! :energy wave hits the Planetoid, turning Fry's hair into an and short-circuiting the robots. '''Amy': What the shmell happened? Farnsworth: A mass extinction. lands unceremoniously near them. That solar flare created a huge that while harmless to organic life, short-circuited the robo-dinosaurs. Leela: Convenient. Farnsworth: Only puny, -like robots cowering in caves could survive such a catastrophe. :waits until this moment to move the boulder and leave the cave. He is wearing a . Bender: Guys, guys! I taught myself to . Farnsworth: Wait a moment. If we could scavenge the right parts from these robo-dinos, I might be able to construct a rudimentary spaceship to get us off this planet! :Lapse. The crew is standing in front of a spaceship. Farnsworth: Oh, well, it took almost two hours, but it's finished. crew cheers. Now let's go... to sleep. It's solar powered, so we can't take off until sunrise. Bender: Well, let's find something comfy to bed down on. Lapse. Bender is sleeping on top of Fry, Hermes, and the Professor. :Leela and Amy are kidnapped by unknown robots. The rest take no notice, with Bender fluffing his Fry-pillow and turning over. :Lapse. The next morning, a mechanical crows and the crew leaves their cave. Fry: Hey, looky here. flowers have sprung up, there are animals everywhere. Hermes: Sweet robot swan of Botswana! Bender: Looks like the fittest did a little surviving last night, huh? Farnsworth: Whatever. Fry: Hey, looky there. and Leela are still being abducted. Hermes: Those robo-cavemen have kidnapped our human regular-women! Fry: We gotta save them! But the only weapon we have is my fan dance. shows off a fan. Farnsworth: Hmm, I believe I can fashion a slingshot using this robot wishbone and this elastic from my pants. pants fall down. :['''Scene': Cavemen's cave. The cavemen drops their captives on the ground. They grunt at them and drop a broom nearby.]'' Amy: I think they want wives, so just play along. If it doesn't work out, we'll still get half their rocks. Leela: I can earn my own rocks! Also, I don't want any rocks! :['''Scene': Outside the Crew's cave.]'' Farnsworth: Well, it took almost twelve hours, but it's finished. Hermes: It's too dark now, but first thing tomorrow we'll slingshot them like they've never been slangshat. go into their cave. :Lapse. The next morning. The remaining crew run out of the cave, screaming war cries. They run right past Amy and Leela. They stop and run back. Fry: What's going on? How did we save you? Amy: It was the weirdest thing. We went to sleep, and when we woke up, our cave husbands were gone. Leela: I'm gonna miss Spencer. :rustles in the bushes nearby. The robot woman comes out. Fry snorts and scratches his head in confusion. Dr. Widnar: Don't be afraid, little guys. I'm not gonna hurt you. throws a net on Fry. Fry: whistles. Nice net. Widnar: You... you can speak? Hermes: Dread my locks! A fully-evolved robot human. Widnar: I'm Dr. Widnar, a naturalist. Bender: And I'm Bender, baby. My human slaves and I come from a planet where organic life and robotic life evolved side by side. Farnsworth: Oh, shut up! Widnar: Amazing. pokes Hermes. I've theorized that carbon-based, fat-filled life could exist, but until today, I never had any proof. Leela: Good for you. Can we go home now? throws a net on Leela. :['''Scene': Museum of Natural Robo-History. The crew looks at the "Ascent of Bot". Widnar steps up to a podium.]'' Widnar: Welcome, museum members, or, as I like to call you, future exhibits. robot coughs. I now present my latest discovery, the amazing non-mechanical man, Homo farnsworth. Farnsworth: Thank you. I must say, I'm so proud to see what you've blossomed into since I first created your ancestors. :crowd gasps. Widnar: What? Farnsworth: I thought you knew. You all evolved from some filth-gobbling Nanobots I designed. I dumped them in one of your ponds a few days ago. Widnar: But this is Creationist talk! Robot Farnsworth: He speaks lies! The Earth was created in eons not days. Farnsworth: Yes, relative to you, it was eons, but, well, look at this hologram I took the day before yesterday of a robot frolicking with a robo-dinosaur. shows a hologram of Bender riding one of the dinosaurs. The crowd gasps again. Widnar: I don't want to live on this planet anymore! blasts off. Robo-Police: You're under arrest for crimes against science. Farnsworth is dragged off. No! Could you drag me by the restroom? :Today Headline: "Trial of the Century. Carbon-based life-form accused of Creationism." Underneath, "Carbon-based life-form discovered. :['''Scene': Superior Gort. Exterior. Protestors are hassling the Professor.]'' Robot: Go back to Roboklahoma! :['''Scene': Superior Gort.]'' Superior Gort Judge: Order! In the matter of Everyone v. Farnsworth, the alleged creationist faces a sentence of death by melting. Who is representing the accused? Leela: I am... Bender: I am, your Honor. else gasps. Farnsworth: Bender, what the Hell are you doing? Bender: Shut up, I'm billing you by the hour! Besides, I'm a robot, they'll listen to me. clears his throat. Ladytrons and gentlebots... Superior Gort Prosecutor: Objection. In the absence of pants, defense's suspenders serve no purpose. Superior Gort Judge: I'm going to allow them, for now. Bender: Thank you. Your Honor, this meat-man does not deny that we robots are the glorious products of evolution. He claim only to have played a small role in supplying the initial machinery. I ask you, is that so crazy? Yes, it's completely crazy, and that is why you must find him not guilty by reason of insanity! gasps again. Farnsworth: Objection, I'm not crazy! I created you all and I came here in a homemade spaceship and lived in a cave. If you don't believe me, ask my uncle. :gives a thumbs-up. Superior Gort Judge: Prosecutor, your opening statement? ' Superior Gort Prosecutor': cell-phone. '' Yeah, honey. I'll be home by dinner. ''the Judge. The prosecution rests, your Honor. Superior Gort Judge: Very well, we will reconvene when the jury reaches a verdict. : carries the jury box out of the room. Bender: Farnsworth. Son, you in a whole mess of trouble. :lapse. The next morning. A gavel bangs. Superior Gort Judge: Has the jury reached a verdict? Robotic gas forms: No, we have not, for we have evolved to a high state of consciousness. are all energy beings. In the grand scheme, all physical beings are but yokels. Now, settle your petty squabbles and get the hell out. blinding flash occurs and the energy beings are gone. Bender: Farnsworth. That'll be $10,000. :['''Scene': Planet Express. The ship lands. The Professor is showing Banjo pictures of his experience.]'' Banjo: Well, digital photographs don't lie. I admit that what you witnessed may have been some form of evolution. Farnsworth: I'm glad you agree, Dr. Banjo. Banjo: Evolution set into motion by a wise and all-knowing Creator. You. Farnsworth: chuckles. Well I don't know about all-knowing. And I admit it's possible, however unlikely, that some wise and all-knowing alien monster set evolution in motion here on Earth. Bender: And the Creator could also be a robot. Farnsworth: Then who built this so-called Creator-robot? Banjo: Some magical bearded robot in the sky? and Farnsworth laugh. Bender: I guess that would be stupid. Never mind. Farnsworth: Then it's settled. Finally, a world in which I'm happy to raise my son! Zoidberg: Good, cause I'm sick of him! :Credits. Category:Season 6 Scripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Transcripts